One of my son’s current favorite books is the “Calm Down Time” book. Between construction books, nuclear physics books (I’m not even kidding), and Sandra Boynton’s books, this one has been coming out on top recently.
He is 2 ½ and is very much in the developmentally appropriate stage of “I’m going to lose my sh*t if I don’t get what I want right now, in this exact moment! (and also be able to change my mind about it!)” Phew! Deep breath. That deep breath was for me, not him, by the way. This stage is exhausting.
So while we talk about tools to use to calm down when we’re feeling big emotions (as described in his favorite book), that doesn’t really register for a toddler when they are IN the throws of their tantrum. They are completely dysregulated. All you can do is be as calm as you can be and keep them safe.
The reality is, his little “Calm Down Time” book is for me. I’m not even kidding. Because it is my job to stay as regulated as possible and model that for him. For him to feel safe when he has those big feelings and know that I won’t leave and can hold that space for him. But as I said, it’s exhausting and frustrating and A LOT. And I’m not doing this perfectly. I lose my cool. I’m not as patient as I would like to be at times. I get frustrated. I use a tone that maybe I shouldn’t. But then I notice it, take a deep breath, and tell him “Mommy is having a hard time right now and needs to take a break.” Sometimes I actually leave the room. But because I’m calm about it, he doesn’t freak out. He is seeing that I am taking care of me. He is seeing how to manage big feelings.
So yeah, that’s all to say, those little eyes are always watching and taking everything in. Even if you’re not a parent, it’s important to know what will help you get back on track when you are feeling all the feels and getting dysregulated. Maybe it’s taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, putting some headphones on and blasting your favorite tunes. Whatever it is, go do that.
“Just breathe. Sometimes you’re only a few breaths away from feeling better.”
~Amy Poehler