I just had an “aha” moment this morning that was sparked by a podcast I was listening to (I’ll get to which one in a moment). My moment was this: People won’t change unless they want to. If they wanted to, they would.
OK. So I know this is not particularly revolutionary but it just really struck me. It was a “click” moment for me. I have been dealing with a really challenging situation that has been eating away at me for awhile. Like, over a year awhile. (if I’m being completely honest it has been gnawing at me for several years but really came to a head over a year ago) And I realize that a lot of the struggle is that I am wanting this person to change. I am wanting them to do something that they are simply not willing to do. Because if they wanted to, they would. And all the pushing and striving and sweet talking and trying to be nice and compassionate and understanding and give them what they need in hopes that they will give me what I need hasn’t gotten me anywhere because they simply don’t want to. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Full stop.
WOW.
It’s incredibly frustrating and liberating at the same time. And it gives me permission to let that sh*t go. How much suffering am I willing to inflict upon myself when this person simply does not want to do the thing I want them to do? And who am I to insist upon that? Sure, now I won’t get the relationship I so deeply want with them, but part of me has to let that go, too.
Now, there are of course a lot of layers to this situation in terms of history and perspectives and past traumas and different temperaments, etc., etc,. etc… But the bottom line is this: people will change when they want to. And if they don’t want to, you need to find a way to move on. Whatever that looks like. Maybe this is someone who will always remain in your life (as is my situation) and you need to find another way to relate. You set boundaries. You shift the lens from which you view your relationship. But you remain compassionate as they figure their sh*t out. And just maybe.Maybe one day they will choose to change and you can decide where to go from there.
What is the podcast I was listening to? I just discovered Mel Robbins. And I absolutely love her. She has a podcast called “The Mel Robbins Podcast” and this was her Dec. 12, 2022 episode entitled: 3 Things You Need to Accept About Other People. I haven’t even finished listening to the whole podcast yet but was just incredibly moved by the first part of it that I had to sit down and write.
Check it out here.
Her 3 things are:
- If they wanted to change, they would (unless they can’t).
- You can’t change anybody.
- Stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be.
That’s some good stuff right there. Juicy. Can’t wait to listen to the rest. Speaking of which … I am going to hit “publish” and go do that right now.